As they say, “What a ride!”
Yes, this has been the wildest ride I’ve ever been on in a very long time. On this ride, I was very well educated on all things dealing with anxiousness, fear, worry and just being downright scared to death! There is nothing worse than a feeling of “am I losing control of myself?” “is this the end?” “what’s going to happen to me?” “I had so much to live for, I’m not ready to have it all ended yet!” “But, wait, I still have some cleaning out and decluttering to do!” Yes, I actually thought that last one.
So many thoughts went through my mind while not being able to do anything but lay in bed (or is it lie) waiting for the nausea to go away. Waiting for the fearful thoughts and anything negative in my life flooding my mind to go away. They didn’t for 3 long months.
My life line was my sweet DIL. She told me at the very beginning, “Madre, (that’s what she calls me) you need to journal everything you are thinking and work out in your journal all those negative feelings. Even if you have to write things and then tear it up and throw it away. Get it written down and work through it.
I love journals and I pick them up every time I see a cute one at the store. So, I went to my storage cabinet (that needs to be decluttered) and picked my favorite. I began writing and writing and writing….it became a habit. Every anxious thought I had, I ran to my journal and it was the thing that helped me make it through the day. I talked to the Lord just as if I were writing Him a letter. I made lists of things I hoped to do someday, that I honestly thought I would never be able to do due to fear of losing my mind. I wrote about past hurts that had been so far pushed down that it was like a bubbling well of things from years ago. I wrote about things I need to forgive and forget. I also wrote about things I needed to forgive myself for. It goes on and on.
Five journals later… I began a new one this week. I’m excited about this one as it is filled with much hope and thankfulness as I am finally seeing light at the end of this spiraled tunnel. I reach for my journal in the morning and again in the evening to record my day and my thoughts. It’s really my prayer journal because it is all my thoughts that I talk to the Lord about constantly.
There is just something about getting thoughts out of my head onto paper that makes such a difference. I’ve always been that way with my making lists of things to do. Once I get it all on paper, I don’t stress over all that needs to be done.
I may never let up on my journaling as it is now a habit for me. I would encourage you to begin journaling. You don’t even have to do it everyday. Maybe when you have something you are dealing with, it might help you to write it all out in order to think more clear. I realize journaling isn’t for everyone, but, I do know it made a difference for me!
I have always been one that holds back my tears. I don’t know why. Every now and then, I can’t hold them back and they just flow. My regular thing to do is leave the room and find a place to cry where no one is around. Pull myself together and act like nothing bothers me.
During the past few months I had many crying out spells. Yes, crying out to God for answers, help, understanding, healing, etc. I often thought, what if I’m hurting myself, causing ulcers or causing myself to not heal due to the stress of crying.
I had a friend tell me that crying was good for me. I read up on crying and was amazed. Evidently, God knew what He was doing when He gave us tear ducts, right? It’s okay to cry, don’t hold back your tears. Tears are a healthy way to express emotion.
Benefits of crying:
There are a few more benefits of crying. I encourage you to do a study on the benefits of shedding tears. Until then, don’t be ashamed to cry. Now you know it’s good for you. What isn’t good for you is to hold back tears and stuff those feelings down. It’s time to deal with what’s bothering you and let the tears flow. Blessed is the one who has someone who will sit with you and let you just cry and not judge you for it and tell you to stop crying. By the way, when your child cries..don’t tell them to stop crying, dry it up, etc. Let them cry and help them deal with what is upsetting them. That was just a free thought for you….no charge!
Every tear we shed, God knows all bout it. He cares and hurts when we hurt. In Revelation 21:4 we read that “He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Until then, He has given us a beautiful life to live and live it to the fullest until He comes or our time has ended here on earth. All those tears? Just as David said Psalm 56:8, “You number my wanderings; put my tears in your bottle.” God knows why you have shed every tear and some day we will have the full picture and understand so much more than we do now.
For now, count your blessings, give your worries to Jesus and let your tears flow in rejoicing and in the hard times.
Until next time…