A few thoughts on what I’m learning in the Anxiety Department:
A little bump in the road is how the natural/holistic doctor described this issue I’ve been dealing with. She made it sound so promising that I would win this battle with time and healing. So thankful for her encouragement and knowledge. I was told by another doctor that I had “situational anxiety.” Due to the covid and crazy culture we have right now.
During this time of healing, I’ve learned many things about myself. You get so focused on self because you are so scared and have no idea what is going on. So you are searching for answers and trying to figure out how and why this has happened to you. Especially, if you are an analyzer as myself. Yep, that’s one of the things that I have learned about Moi!
I analyze everything, to death. I didn’t really notice it before. The good news is, that this can be a good thing. But, when you get focused on the bad, such as what I did, it can be detrimental. As I mentioned in my last post, I was consumed with the news. I was keeping up with the death count, the number of infected people, how many ventilators were being used, if masks really worked, on an on and on…..how much can a person take? Well, obviously, not much as far as I’m concerned. Oh, let’s not forget the riots that broke out. The violence, instead of watching it and saying, “how sad,” I was thinking, “WHY?” “How do people get to that place in their lives to do such destruction and hurt other people?” It consumed me. It hurt to watch.
I have done the same thing in life. When people are cruel and say hurtful things to one another or just down right hateful….especially those that call themselves Christians, I can’t even comprehend it. I try my best to figure it out and try to imagine their lives and why they would be so hateful and cruel….it has boggled my mind for years.
We were in full-time ministry for many years and I have seen the worst of the worst. I have also served in the church as a lay person and still saw things that blew my mind. I’ve had horrible things said to me and about me….from people that don’t even know me. Then you watch these same people get up and sing or speak on love and forgiveness and it just sends me over the top. I can’t figure it out. It’s obviously been going on since the beginning of time. It’s called….sin. *Note….I’ve seen the best of the best and have so many sweet memories of wonderful godly people….so thankful!
Oh wait, unless you think I’m Miss Perfect and never do wrong….wrongo. I have caught myself many times thinking mean things about someone and by the grace of God, I am immediately reminded of who I am and who I represent and I seek forgiveness.
During this time of self examination (nothing else to do while staying in bed for weeks) The Holy Spirit reminded me, “Beverly, you have been harboring unforgiveness for things that happened to you years ago, it’s time….it’s time to let it go and get it settled.” Well, several pages of journaling and prayer, I got many things settled. Lot’s of forgiveness, lot’s of tears, lots of regrets. I could make excuses all day and say, “but, you don’t realize what she/he said to me!” “You don’t realize what a living nightmare they caused our family because of their hypocrisy.” I could go on and on, but, I heard in my heart, “Yes, Beverly, I know all about it and I carried you through all of that, it’s time for you to realize that you don’t need to worry about it anymore….just forgive.”
I can honestly say, that it feels so good to just let it go. I can honestly say, that yes….those thoughts pop up in my head from time to time and I have to remember that it doesn’t matter, I’ve forgiven and I’ve moved on.
I’ve also learned during this time that I am a Highly Sensitive Person. Yes, there is actually a term for it. After reading up on this, I thought, “Oh, so that’s why certain things have been hard for me!” Since I was very young, I take things to heart. I remember being in grade school and if I saw someone being mean to another person, it broke my heart. I could never make fun of anyone. I saw handicap kids be made fun of and cruel jokes made about teachers, other kids, etc…..I couldn’t handle it. It made me very sad. In high school, there was a girl in one of my classes that was constantly picked on by the “cool kids” in the class…..inside, my heart ached for that girl and to this day, I can remember where she sat, how she looked and the things they said and did to her. I often wonder where she is today. I so wish I would have been brave enough to take her by my side and protect her from such hatefulness, but….I didn’t…..as a shy kid, you miss out on doing things like that. But…if I could go back, I would!
When I see a homeless person on the corner begging for money…my heart aches. I wonder, where is his family…..does he have kids…..how did he get to this point in life…..many times I give money even though we aren’t supposed to and then I end up wiping tears away as I drive off. My heart aches for them.
Don’t even get me started on when I see children being mistreated while out and about. I can’t even….let’s move on…
I can get on Facebook just to catch up on everyones life and up pops tragedy….pictures of people in the hospital, pictures of actual wounds, yes, I’ve seen the grossest pictures on Facebook. Don’t understand why people like to share gross pictures, but, for people like me, it sends me over the edge…can’t handle it. I had a dear friend tell me that we weren’t created for so much information being thrown at us. Our minds are constantly overloaded with situations, tragedies, sadness from people all around the world that we don’t even know. Such as you reading this….I so hope that I can be an encouragement to you if you are dealing with any type of anxiety or just trying to figure out our interesting world that we are living in right now. I don’t have all the answers, but, I know who does. I’ve always felt that when we go through things that we are to figure it out and then help someone else…All the while giving all the glory to God for his goodness and mercy.
I have always had a hard time visiting someone in the hospital. When I walk in a hospital or even drive by it, I feel sadness…I hurt for the people suffering and the families dealing with all the issues of caring for someone and watching their loved ones suffer. It hurts me to the core. I actually will get sick to my stomach when I make a hospital visit. Needless to say, I make every excuse possible to not have to visit someone at the hospital. I know….terrible!
I watched a football game with my Jim yesterday and when I see a tackle and they go down hard, I get an actual tightness in my stomach. It’s like I can actually feel the pain they must feel. Makes me hurt!
All that to say, being a Highly Sensitive Person can be good. You have compassion for people, but, it also can hinder things. If you take so many sad things to heart and you stuff it down and don’t deal with them, it only hurts you. On a positive note…. I would rather be a very sensitive person than a cruel uncaring person. I’m thankful for that part.
Well, those are just a couple of the many things I have learned through this interesting situation. If you are like me, you believe that all things work together for good to those that love God….that would be me, so I have seen the good in many things and I can’t wait to share them with you, eventually. For now, I so hope that you will examine yourself and realize who you truly are and how God designed you and don’t let anyone make you feel less important or worthless because of how you are and how you think. Most importantly...You accept who you are. We are to accept how we are and become the best we can be with the gifts that we have and when we see a flaw in ourselves, we correct it and deal with it in a healthy manner. You are a special creation, created by an amazing and loving God. Don’t let anyone take that from you……ever. As a preacher I once knew would always say……”If someone doesn’t lift you up and they tear you down…..mark them and avoid them.” Simple, right? Well, you have to really work on it and be confident in yourself and most of all…………forgiving. We are all sinners saved by Grace… by a forgiving God. I so hope and pray that you know without doubt of this truth. If not, click here to learn how you can meet Him right now.
Until next time,