We Can Win The War of Fear

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In my last post, I shared “My Story” of dealing with the virus of 2020/2021. (Click here if you need to read and catch up.) I do know that 2021 is not over and only the Lord knows what is in store for each and every one of us during this crazy upside down time of life. I told you in my last post that I would share my thoughts on how to win the war of fear that is involved with the “pandemic.” You do know that I’m not a medical doctor, right? Oh, I’m not a counselor either. I’m just a regular person who got the virus. I can’t even tell you how fearful of this virus I was. I don’t now how to describe it to share with you how scared I was. The crazy thing about it is…I didn’t know I was as scared as I turned out to be. I thought I had it all together. I had my sprays, my disinfectant wipes, I stayed home, I ordered groceries online, I made my husband change clothes in the garage when he came in from work…….yes, I did that. Did you not do that? I thought everyone was doing that and I thought it was perfectly normal. I’ve come to find out, not so much. I was consumed with the news in trying to hear all the latest and what we were supposed to do and not do, until, I realized how political and not so trustworthy the main stream media was. I was a mess and I crashed hard.

I have thought long and hard how I could have handled things differently. We know now that I had other issues going on from the past that I hadn’t dealt with so I had all that to deal with at the same time so it made my crash doubly bad. Someone told me it was the “Perfect Storm” for me and why I went down hard.

Back to my thinking how I would have handled it differently if I would have known what I know now.

Are you ready for it?

Putting all my trust in my Savior for everything and anything that was to come my way.

I know! Sounds so simple doesn’t it.

See, I had been doing that since I was 14 years old. The day I put my faith and trust in Jesus, I depended on Him for everything. I read the scriptures on fear, faith and trust. I tried to memorize them. I wrote them down and put them places I could see constantly. So why did I not remember to trust when all the craziness in our country and world broke lose? I know why, but, that is for another post soon.

I lost my way. I lost my self worth and my confidence in who I was as a child of God. I was a perfect set up for someone who was about to go down hard. Each day got worse and worse. I wasn’t listening to my Savior, I was listening to the enemy. I was scared. I couldn’t catch my breath enough to calm down and slap myself into reality.

Thankfully, I finally got back up and I fought like crazy to get back to where I should be. I had the help of a couple of people and then some friends who prayed for me and encouraged me each and every day! It took everything I had in me to get there. Guess who was waiting for me the entire time? My Savior! He picked me up, brushed me off and said “You are gong to be okay!”

I was sailing along, working everyday to get my mind back to where it should be and then BAM! The virus! I struggled and thought, “Why? I can’t do this! The thing I feared the most and I was doing so good and now I have it? Is this it? Am I going to go through the horrible things I’ve heard about? I don’t want to!”

So, I’m going to make a little list of some things that I did and what I wish I would have done to win the war on fear of the virus!

*Empty yourself before the Lord, give Him your fears, your anxiousness and your questions.

*Be still and quiet. Listen for His voice. Go to your Bible and go to those scriptures that speak on fear and comfort.

*Turn off the news for awhile. Be very selective in what you listen to. Fill your mind with good and happy things. Stay busy with things you love to do.

*Take care of your health. Eat as healthy as possible. Limit sugar! Begin a good regimen of vitamins. I was told to take, Vitamin C, D, Zinc and a Pro-Biotic. I also take a multi and a few other things for immunity building. I would talk to an expert or do some serious research and get a plan together.

*I was also told to take a small dose of aspirin each day. That is to prevent blood clotting which seems to be a serious issue going on.

*While I was sick, I did not want to get pneumonia. It seems you hear of that a lot. So, I made sure I stretched everyday as much as possible and walked. I moved my arms continuously. I tried hard not to lay in bed forever which was a hard one. I didn’t feel like doing anything. My husband also tapped like karate chops on my back each day to loosen up anything that might go wrong in the lungs.

*Calm yourself with deep breathing. When resting, I put my left hand on my tummy and my right hand on my heart and I took a deep slow breath through my nose with mouth closed and let my tummy fill with air to the count of 6 or 8, then I held it for about 4 counts and blew slowly out of my mouth to the count of 6 or 8. I would do this several times until I felt calm and could get my breath.

*The mind is a powerful thing. The breathing exercises helped me to calm down and focus on good things. Someone told me they would breathe in the goodness of God and blow out the fear. You don’t want to lose control of your thoughts and let fear win. You do whatever it takes.

*In order to go to battle, we must be strong spiritually, mentally and physically. That physically part is a hard one for me. Exercise is not my favorite thing to do. But, we need to be fit. Whatever it takes to get there, we must do. Any habits that hinder our health, we need to correct it.

*Scripture is important to me. I have a card case with scriptures on trusting God and not having fear. I had them by my side and read them over and over. When I had a really hard time, I actually held the scripture card and claimed it for myself. Bible study will keep you grounded and close to our Heavenly Father.

*Journaling is huge for me. I now have my journals during that season and it is very interesting to read over and see how the Lord comforted me and the answer to prayers. Not only that, just to get my thoughts on paper and out of my head is very good for me.

*Be prepared for the worst. Have a plan for treatment if you get sick. Remember I’m not a doctor, but, for me, I decided to get a protocol that many doctors are using to treat the virus. I follow and read after a group and they had a listing of doctors that you could do a teleconference with and they would prescribe a protocol for you to take if you need to. We have our protocol and we have it in a bag just in case anything were to happen. It’s a comfort to have a plan and to know what symptoms are before they ever happen. *Its almost like we were just sitting ducks, didn’t know what to expect, where to go, what to do, etc. We were just told to wear a mask, don’t go anywhere, don’t get around any one and if you get sick, chances are you are done for. I believe that we were handed a bundle of fear and told to take it and don’t ask questions. I also believe that is wrong. We are to be responsible for ourselves and our family, do research and be prepared for even the worst so you know what to expect. The unknown is what causes fear. We now know so much more and we also have the choice to listen to others besides the political figures and main stream media who obviously have an agenda. We also should do our own research and be wise in who we listen to.

*Then it gets back to the trust again. It’s a choice. Faith or Fear. They are two separate roads….we have to pick one. You can’t have both; they just don’t work together. The good thing is, God knows our fears and He understands. He wants us to be free from fear. Let Him take it from you. But, you have to give it to Him.

I hope that helps a little. Feel free to leave a comment or email any questions or thoughts. I only know what I know and I can steer you to someone much smarter than me if possible.

Can I pray with you?

Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for loving us like you do! How thankful I am that I put my faith in you as a young teen. I thank you for each person reading the blog today and oh, how I pray that they know you personally! You know who each one is and I ask that you put your arms of comfort around them, let them know how much you love and care for them.

Lord, we are a fearful people when we don’t put our trust in you. Forgive us for putting our trust in those that don’t have our best interest. We trust you and we are giving you our fears and our anxiousness. We don’t understand all that is going on, but, you do! You know exactly how this is all going to end and we put our hand in yours and we know you will guide and protect us.

Lord, whatever you have in store for each of us, may we humbly and graciously accept it as your will. I pray for a peace that only you can give. I pray for joy that only you can give. We don’t understand all that is going on in our country and in our world, but, we want to walk through it with peace and joy.

We ask for wisdom and discernment to handle all the many voices we hear today and to understand what is right and what is wrong. Help us, Lord!

I ask for healing for those that are reading the blog today that are suffering either with the virus or with that awful thing called fear! Some of us have loved ones that are going through it and we are asking for a miraculous healing for each and everyone of them. You want us to walk in strong faith and courage. You want us to remember that every breath we take is because of your grace and mercy. You also want us to trust you in what is best for each one of us. Lord, whatever comes our way and however you choose for it to all play out, may we accept it with grace and humility.

How grateful I am for your healing of my mind and my body! I know many of the readers can testify to your goodness in their lives. May we be forever thankful and share with others all that you have done for us.

Lord, there may be someone reading this that has never put their faith in you. I pray that whoever it is, they would give their heart to you and you would save them and forgive them of all their sin, just like you did for me and so many others that are reading the blog today.

In Jesus Name,

Amen!

IF….you want to know more about putting your faith and trust in Christ, click here.

My Story …

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I’ve had some questions about what it was like when I came down with the virus last October/November. I thought I’d go ahead and share to document what I went through and maybe it will be a help to someone that has some questions or possibly some fear in dealing with all the unknowns of it.

To begin with, if you have kept up with my journey from last year, you know that I was on the tail end of the anxiety issues that I was struggling with when the virus hit. So, my emotions were very heavy as in understanding why I was having to deal with this unknown scary virus while trying to heal my mind from the fear that had consumed me for the past several months. What a journey! Again, in a million years, I would have never thought I would have gone through what I did. I still question it and all I can come up with right now is to deal with things that I pushed down for years and then use what I learned to possibly help someone else. If you haven’t ever gone through something like that, I don’t think you can even imagine the struggle and turmoil you can suffer from it all. Okay…enough of that…let’s talk about the virus!

Last October (2020) on the 30th, we were at our get away home in the Texas Hill Country. Our daughter, son-in -law and all the cutie pies were coming over for a get together. I worked most of the day getting games together, running to the grocery for last minute items and setting up a chocolate fountain with all the treats. I was having fun, but, I had a slight headache. I brushed it off as allergies. I usually don’t struggle with allergies, but I was telling myself it was allergies. I took some Advil and moved on. The evening came and what fun it was. My headache was getting worse. I also had zero appetite….which is good sign something isn’t clicking with me. Everyone left and I cleaned up and I then had a cough. I went to bed and coughed through the night. Every time I coughed, my head felt like it was going to burst open. I would hold my head to cough to ease the pain. I was a bit worried… but, still kept saying it was allergies. I stayed in bed most of the next day. I missed the big party with the kids that night and couldn’t decide if I was more sad about that or the fear that something was up. After all, I had worked hard to get my I Love Lucy costume ready and now it was a bust….no Lucy and Ricky this year! I began taking my temperature that afternoon and I was running a low temp of 99.

I was like you, probably. I had been staying home as much as possible. I ordered my groceries 95% of the time. I can count on one hand how many times I went to the store or anywhere. I had sanitizing wipes with me 24/7. I wiped everything down. I wore my mask everywhere! I’m the queen of germ fighting!

Back to my story…

During that first day, I would have moments where I felt pretty good. I would get up and try to do something around the house, but, within a few minutes I felt horrible again. Back to bed. The next day we had some friends that were in the area and they were coming to visit for the afternoon and the guys were going to golf. I had told them how I was feeling but thought it was “allergies” or something. The guys golfed and I visited with my friend. I felt okay, but not great. I stayed far from her. We picked up lunch and I didn’t touch anything that was hers. In the back of my mind I was scared. After they left late that afternoon, back to bed I went. I began taking some immune builder supplements and I took Tylenol cold and flu to sleep.

We drove back to west Texas the next day. I kept feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I was struggling with more fear. The fear that I had worked so hard on. I was trusting the Lord and at the same time, my mind was telling me that I was going down and I wasn’t going to be able to breathe. Jim knew I was scared and he would assure me I was okay. That 5 hour drive home was hard as I put the air vents on my face and concentrated on breathing. During my time of anxiety and when I got choked during a meal, which is another crazy story, the fear of not being able to breathe was one of the main things that I couldn’t shake!

We made it home and back to bed I went. My temperature would get up to 102 and then go back down. I was a wreck……mainly due to my mind. All the pictures I had seen on television constantly went through my mind. My cough wasn’t too bad, but enough to know it wasn’t normal. I also had a spot in my back that hurt terribly. This went on for the next couple of days. I began telling myself it was a cold, so I hung on not wanting to go get tested. Then Thursday afternoon came.

I got up and took my immune builder and by the way, it tastes and smells pretty bad. When I crawled back in bed I had the thought. “I didn’t taste that tablet I just took and it usually tastes terrible.” I went back to the kitchen and opened up the bottle and took a sniff of the terrible smelling and tasting tablets. I didn’t smell a thing. I had always heard that peanut butter is a smell you don’t want to lose, so I went to the pantry, opened up the jar and took a big sniff. Nothing! That’s when I thought, “okay, this is serious.” Losing taste and smell was one of the symptoms that I heard was part of the “virus.” Our doctors office was a pretty good drive away and I heard that people were going to a clinic in our neighborhood area. So I called them and they said if I came right then they could get me in before they closed at 5. Jim ran me up there. I could hardly hold my head up as I felt awful. I had to stay in the car until they came and got me. Finally, it was my turn. I was terrified. If you keep up with me, you know I have another one of those fears…doctors! I have never really gone to a doctor unless I had too and this past year, I have seen my share of doctors to make up for the 60 years of not having to go. Anyway, they were so nice and kind and they knew I was scared out of my mind. I know, I’m terrible! They did the little test. They used a long Q Tip type thing that is as long as my face. I thought they were going to just swab the nostril a bit and we’d move on. Oh, NO! She told me to lean my head back and the thing went up to my eyeballs. I was so glad when it was over. Then she said, “now for the other side!” I said, “are you serous?” She said, “Yes, lean your head back!” Lord have mercy. I was so glad when that was over. I had to wait a few minutes for the results. When she came in and said, “Positive,” my mind was going 90 miles a minute wondering what was going to happen. All I could see in my mind were those videos on the news of the over run hospitals and people on ventilators and body bags stacked in the hallways. I asked her what I was supposed to do. She said, “Well, nothing. Go home and rest and I will give you something for your cough, other than that, you might take some Vitamin C, D, Zinc and a Pro-Biotic” I said I was taking most of those and she said, “Good, you will have a head start on it all then.” She also told me that since I had my symptoms for almost a week now, I may be through the worst of it. That made me feel better. She also told me my lungs sounded good and strong. That helped a bit, too. I thought, if this is it, I can handle this. Then as I was leaving she said, “If you can’t breathe, go to the emergency room immediately.” I heard those words over and over in my head for the next three weeks. It took everything in me and with the Lord’s grace and mercy to not think the worst.

My cough was barely there after a couple of days. I didn’t take the cough medication hardly at all. I made sure I exercised and moved around a lot. I didn’t want anything to go wrong with my lungs. I took my supplements faithfully and when my nose got stuffy I would boil water and put peppermint essential oils in the water and breathe in as much as possible. If you do that, close your eyes, trust me. (it will burn your eyes) It helped tremendously. When my nose would get stuffy in both nostrils was when I had a tendency to panic, so I stayed on top of that big time. After a week and a half of dealing with that and with the fever up and down, I finally felt so much better. Just tired was my main complaint. I eventually got my energy back and all was well. I am extremely grateful!

Except for…

It has been 8 months and my smell is still messed up. Most things smell normal. The strange thing is the smells that I loved before, smell terrible right now. The only perfume I’ve ever been able to wear is Pleasures by Estee Lauder. Oh me, it smells terrible. My shampoo and bath gel are hard for me to tolerate. I loved cleaning with Pine-Sol. I always joked that I would wear Pine-Sol as perfume….but….when I smell it now, I get sick to my stomach. Jim’s coffee in the morning smells horrendous. Oh, and the sad one is…Jim’s cologne that I loved….it’s a no! One more weird thing, is I loved drinking a coke every now and then….okay, more than I should. It has the weirdest taste to it that has a smell with it. I can’t even! Which is really a good thing. I did discover that Dr. Pepper doesn’t do that…..which is a bad thing! If you know what I mean!

I know you will think I’m crazy when I say this….which you may already think that but, here it goes….

With my fear and anxiety issue from last summer and into the fall…..the fear of getting the virus was a big part of it. I honestly think the Lord allowed me to get it and get it over with. For the life of me, we can’t figure out where I got it from and no one got it from me. I was around the entire family the day I got sick. Jim didn’t even get it. Very strange. That’s just my thought. He was very merciful to me and for that I am very grateful. I have had the flu a few times and this wasn’t as bad as a couple of flu bugs I’ve had. For me, it was the fear of the unknown. Towards the end, the thing that helped me mentally was talking with a friend who lives far away that was going through the same thing. Her symptoms sounded a lot like mine and it was a comfort to know as I knew I was going to make it by what all she shared. So, all this to say, the FEAR that is spread with this is worse than anything. I’ve been sick many times in my life and you deal with it and you move on. This time it was different due to the information that is out there. I believe most of it is to scare the daylights out of us and keep us in fear! The unknown is scary.

My next post, I will share my thoughts on how to win the war of fear for the “virus.” If I can do it….anyone can! At least I made it anyway. I have a few things to share that I wish I would have known when all this happened. We don’t know what any day holds for us. If we get the virus, we don’t know for sure how it will end up. From what I see and know now….you chances are 99.98 percent that you will be okay and make it through. Those are pretty good odds, don’t you think? I don’t even gamble, but, I know those are good odds! I also know that we can win the war of fear!

I was around a few people a while back and they were talking about all the horrors of the virus and who had it bad. I raised my hand and said, “I had it!” Someone then said, “Yes, but, you didn’t have it that bad!” I just smiled and thought…..”as usual, it doesn’t count if you survived.” We don’t want to hear the good, just the bad! Since I lived, that means I didn’t have it bad? I wish I would have known it wasn’t bad when I was going through it. The damage that has been done to people’s mental health through this is very scary and very sad. It has to end! We need to hear the good and how to survive all the craziness and not bow down to the fears that are being thrown at us every single day.

Well, that’s my story…..I hope it helps relieve some of the unknown fears. If I had to sum it up and if it weren’t 2020 and I had these same symptoms, I would have said, “I”m going to bed with this horrible head cold….maybe a light flu…not sure!” But, since we have been bombarded with horrible disease, death 24/7, etc. etc…..it makes it a horrible thing to go through!

Trusting you are well and will stay well and put all your care and trust in your Savior! He’s right there beside you no matter what you are going through. Put your hand in His and let Him take care of you!

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” I Peter 5:6-8

Fear or Faith…..the choice is ours! Which will you choose?

Until next time,

We Are Going To Be Okay!

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Hi Friends! It’s been awhile. So many things on my heart that I want to share with you and I struggle to not blurt everything out at once as to scare you off. So, I’m taking a deep breath…..breath in through the nose, counting to 6, slowly breathing out through the mouth and counting to 8. Sometimes holding it counting to 4 before breathing out. Trust me, I have learned that trick over the past year to calm my little self down and focus on what is in front of me. My biggest problem with the breathing exercise is I can never remember how many counts for each one. Okay, where was I? Oh….If you have kept up with my blog, then you know what my last year looked like. Never in a million years would I have thought that would happen! But, it did and Praise the Lord….I am so much better. I’m “me” again! Hopefully, that’s a good thing. I like to think I’m “me” again, but, much stronger and wiser. Who knew… I thought I was strong and wise before….surprises in my world as always! Can I tell you a quick little story….I know I’m on a rabbit trail…but, when I was at the tail end of my anxiety trial (I have no idea what to call it) I went to get my hair done. I didn’t want to go, but I knew it would make me feel better about myself. Yes, I cried on the way and I told the Lord, that I needed so badly to hear His voice somehow someway whether it be through someone or something. I told Him I need to hear that I would be strong again; strong mentally and physically. Well, anyway, when I got to the salon, the stylist, patted me and told me I was doing good and then she said, “You are going to be okay, you have always been a strong lady and you will be even stronger in no time!” You have no idea….I knew that was my answer from my Heavenly Father! I could tell you many more stories of ways I knew the Lord let me know He was right by my side and was using some amazing people to help me!

I’ve prayed about my blog for several months and was seriously thinking of stopping and forgetting about it. Which I had a few crying spells over it as I feel like it’s my baby as I began my blog over 10 years ago. I feel like it’s part of me. It’s grown with me and I have met some amazing people through blogging as well as interacted with some very special people! I haven’t had any peace about quitting, so, I’m hanging on. I often wonder what it would be like to be 80 years old and blogging away. Surely, I’ll give it up by then. We will see. I do have thoughts of “who wants to read the thoughts from a 61 year old?” Hold on while I do my breathing exercise again. Whew, 61….words leave me…I just don’t know how that happened. Through my ordeal this past year, I discovered I have some type of aging fears. I would say I’m probably 95% over it….but, that 5% pops up and tells me, your life is over, just go sit down and be quiet and wait until your time is up. Once I get a handle on that 5%, I realize that those are lies straight from the pit of H….E….double hockey sticks as my friend Shelby, always says. Since I was a young wife and mom and even a teen, I read after and listened to women who were in their 60’s and beyond that helped to show me the way through this crazy world of ours. How thankful I am for those women who answered the call to share their wisdom on being a woman after God’s own heart. I think of my sweet mom. She is 82 and going strong. She has always loved life and never sat around and complained about being older. That’s how I want to be.

In our social media culture, we see daily, amazing women who are in their 20’s and 30’s who seem to be doing it all….run a beautifully decorated home, make amazing wreaths for their front doors, organize their entire home in perfectly designed plastic containers, cook homemade meals, sew all their children’s clothes, put in a full garden of flowers, clean their house with homemade cleaning products, have date nights with their husbands and travel the world all the while taking amazing pictures of every detail and they look absolutely perfect. To be honest, I’m a bit glad that when I was raising my kiddos, homeschooling and supporting my husband in full time ministry all the while wondering if our budget was going to hold for the week, that I didn’t have social media to compare myself and my life to.

But, then on the other hand, how amazing is it that you can follow someone on various platforms of social media and be encouraged and inspired to be stronger and wiser as we strive to bring honor and glory to God in our daily lives.

I guess that is where I hope to come in. I so hope that my blog would somehow encourage and inspire you to be stronger and wiser and to let you know that you are not alone. You don’t have to be perfect in every situation of life and when hard times come….hopefully, you will hear me say, “you are going to be okay!” Those very words were a life saver for me this past year.

When I “went down for the count” last year, I made a call to a local natural health doctor. I honestly thought I was done for…..I thought my life was basically over. I was scared out of my mind. The lady who answered the phone had the most kind voice and she said, “Beverly, you are going to be okay, don’t worry.” When she said that I was going to be okay, a feeling of peace came over me and for the first time in a long time, I thought, “maybe I will be okay?”

So, all that to say, let’s get back to blogging and encouraging each other. We have a full life ahead of us regardless of our age. If you are breathing right now, you have a purpose. I learned so much this past year and I’m sure I will be sharing something each time I write, that was life changing for me in hopes that someone needs to hear it. If you don’t and you have life by the tail and all is well, hallelujah! I bet there is someone around you that needs to hear your secrets.

My blog is me. I don’t design it to reach millions of people. I don’t study all the stats; I don’t even know how to do that anyway. I don’t make money with my blog, so you won’t find pop ups and ads blinking everywhere. If I promote something, it’s because I believe in it and I’ll do my best to provide a link. Every once in a while, if I provide a link that is able to provide a compensation of some sort, I will donate that to a human trafficking organization that I love to support. (Operation Underground Rescue)

So, breath with me and let’s live life to the fullest….. together!

One last thing….I would be honored if you would subscribe to my blog as to not miss a post. I try to link on social media when I make a new post, but, you never know when I may take a hankering to get off of social media for a break now and then. All you do is go to the link on the right and fill out your name and email address. Each time I make a post it will pop up in your inbox. Also, if you think something I wrote would help someone, feel free to share my blog with someone. Oh, and I love comments, either in the comment section or you can private message me through the email provided. I love hearing how the Lord is working in your life through your daily living.

Remember……We are going to be okay….together!

Here are the links to the posts on my “Anxiety Season.” (in case you missed them)

Who Me? Anxiety?

A Bump In the Road – Dealing with Anxiety

Journaling and Crying Through Anxiety

A Bump In The Road – Dealing With Anxiety

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A few thoughts on what I’m learning in the Anxiety Department:

A little bump in the road is how the natural/holistic doctor described this issue I’ve been dealing with. She made it sound so promising that I would win this battle with time and healing. So thankful for her encouragement and knowledge. I was told by another doctor that I had “situational anxiety.” Due to the covid and crazy culture we have right now.

During this time of healing, I’ve learned many things about myself. You get so focused on self because you are so scared and have no idea what is going on. So you are searching for answers and trying to figure out how and why this has happened to you. Especially, if you are an analyzer as myself. Yep, that’s one of the things that I have learned about Moi!

I analyze everything, to death. I didn’t really notice it before. The good news is, that this can be a good thing. But, when you get focused on the bad, such as what I did, it can be detrimental. As I mentioned in my last post, I was consumed with the news. I was keeping up with the death count, the number of infected people, how many ventilators were being used, if masks really worked, on an on and on…..how much can a person take? Well, obviously, not much as far as I’m concerned. Oh, let’s not forget the riots that broke out. The violence, instead of watching it and saying, “how sad,” I was thinking, “WHY?” “How do people get to that place in their lives to do such destruction and hurt other people?” It consumed me. It hurt to watch.

I have done the same thing in life. When people are cruel and say hurtful things to one another or just down right hateful….especially those that call themselves Christians, I can’t even comprehend it. I try my best to figure it out and try to imagine their lives and why they would be so hateful and cruel….it has boggled my mind for years.

We were in full-time ministry for many years and I have seen the worst of the worst. I have also served in the church as a lay person and still saw things that blew my mind. I’ve had horrible things said to me and about me….from people that don’t even know me. Then you watch these same people get up and sing or speak on love and forgiveness and it just sends me over the top. I can’t figure it out. It’s obviously been going on since the beginning of time. It’s called….sin. *Note….I’ve seen the best of the best and have so many sweet memories of wonderful godly people….so thankful!

Oh wait, unless you think I’m Miss Perfect and never do wrong….wrongo. I have caught myself many times thinking mean things about someone and by the grace of God, I am immediately reminded of who I am and who I represent and I seek forgiveness.

During this time of self examination (nothing else to do while staying in bed for weeks) The Holy Spirit reminded me, “Beverly, you have been harboring unforgiveness for things that happened to you years ago, it’s time….it’s time to let it go and get it settled.” Well, several pages of journaling and prayer, I got many things settled. Lot’s of forgiveness, lot’s of tears, lots of regrets. I could make excuses all day and say, “but, you don’t realize what she/he said to me!” “You don’t realize what a living nightmare they caused our family because of their hypocrisy.” I could go on and on, but, I heard in my heart, “Yes, Beverly, I know all about it and I carried you through all of that, it’s time for you to realize that you don’t need to worry about it anymore….just forgive.”

I can honestly say, that it feels so good to just let it go. I can honestly say, that yes….those thoughts pop up in my head from time to time and I have to remember that it doesn’t matter, I’ve forgiven and I’ve moved on.

I’ve also learned during this time that I am a Highly Sensitive Person. Yes, there is actually a term for it. After reading up on this, I thought, “Oh, so that’s why certain things have been hard for me!” Since I was very young, I take things to heart. I remember being in grade school and if I saw someone being mean to another person, it broke my heart. I could never make fun of anyone. I saw handicap kids be made fun of and cruel jokes made about teachers, other kids, etc…..I couldn’t handle it. It made me very sad. In high school, there was a girl in one of my classes that was constantly picked on by the “cool kids” in the class…..inside, my heart ached for that girl and to this day, I can remember where she sat, how she looked and the things they said and did to her. I often wonder where she is today. I so wish I would have been brave enough to take her by my side and protect her from such hatefulness, but….I didn’t…..as a shy kid, you miss out on doing things like that. But…if I could go back, I would!

When I see a homeless person on the corner begging for money…my heart aches. I wonder, where is his family…..does he have kids…..how did he get to this point in life…..many times I give money even though we aren’t supposed to and then I end up wiping tears away as I drive off. My heart aches for them.

Don’t even get me started on when I see children being mistreated while out and about. I can’t even….let’s move on…

I can get on Facebook just to catch up on everyones life and up pops tragedy….pictures of people in the hospital, pictures of actual wounds, yes, I’ve seen the grossest pictures on Facebook. Don’t understand why people like to share gross pictures, but, for people like me, it sends me over the edge…can’t handle it. I had a dear friend tell me that we weren’t created for so much information being thrown at us. Our minds are constantly overloaded with situations, tragedies, sadness from people all around the world that we don’t even know. Such as you reading this….I so hope that I can be an encouragement to you if you are dealing with any type of anxiety or just trying to figure out our interesting world that we are living in right now. I don’t have all the answers, but, I know who does. I’ve always felt that when we go through things that we are to figure it out and then help someone else…All the while giving all the glory to God for his goodness and mercy.

I have always had a hard time visiting someone in the hospital. When I walk in a hospital or even drive by it, I feel sadness…I hurt for the people suffering and the families dealing with all the issues of caring for someone and watching their loved ones suffer. It hurts me to the core. I actually will get sick to my stomach when I make a hospital visit. Needless to say, I make every excuse possible to not have to visit someone at the hospital. I know….terrible!

I watched a football game with my Jim yesterday and when I see a tackle and they go down hard, I get an actual tightness in my stomach. It’s like I can actually feel the pain they must feel. Makes me hurt!

All that to say, being a Highly Sensitive Person can be good. You have compassion for people, but, it also can hinder things. If you take so many sad things to heart and you stuff it down and don’t deal with them, it only hurts you. On a positive note…. I would rather be a very sensitive person than a cruel uncaring person. I’m thankful for that part.

Well, those are just a couple of the many things I have learned through this interesting situation. If you are like me, you believe that all things work together for good to those that love God….that would be me, so I have seen the good in many things and I can’t wait to share them with you, eventually. For now, I so hope that you will examine yourself and realize who you truly are and how God designed you and don’t let anyone make you feel less important or worthless because of how you are and how you think. Most importantly...You accept who you are. We are to accept how we are and become the best we can be with the gifts that we have and when we see a flaw in ourselves, we correct it and deal with it in a healthy manner. You are a special creation, created by an amazing and loving God. Don’t let anyone take that from you……ever. As a preacher I once knew would always say……”If someone doesn’t lift you up and they tear you down…..mark them and avoid them.” Simple, right? Well, you have to really work on it and be confident in yourself and most of all…………forgiving. We are all sinners saved by Grace… by a forgiving God. I so hope and pray that you know without doubt of this truth. If not, click here to learn how you can meet Him right now.

Until next time,

Who Me? Anxiety?

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Again….I’m still here! I think that’s what I said on my last post, right? If you didn’t read my last post on my choking incident, you can click here to see what all transpired. I still can’t believe that happened. After what I’ve been through the last 4 1/2 months makes that seem like a walk in the park….well, sort of.

I have never had an anxiety or panic attack. I’ve never suffered from serious anxiety…..until 5 months ago.

In reading some of my stories on my blog, you know that I was extremely shy growing up and I have worked hard as an adult to overcome my shyness and with shyness comes fearfulness. Fearful of just about everything. I felt like as an older adult, I had a handle on it. I have been able to do things that as a child/teen I would never dream. Never thought about it or worried about it…..so I thought. Getting nervous about things, or deeply hurt by incidents was just a norm that I had learned to handle. How did I handle it? By stuffing it down and not dealing with it. Guess what….that’s not a good thing to do. If you are a stuffer like me, now is the time to stop. You don’t want to make waves, you want peace, so you stuff it down. You don’t want confrontation of any kind, so you stuff, you leave it alone, you forget about it…until something happens and it all bubbles out and what a disaster it will be. We will visit that subject on another post. I’ve learned a lot, trust me! If you look in the dictionary for the word “stuffer,” you will see my picture.

The only way I know how to describe what happened to me is to start from the beginning of this nightmare! In March we were having a wonderful time in Branson at a PraiseFest, which is a Southern Gospel Music Festival that lasts for three days. We’ve gone for the last several years and love it. As you know, in March, the big shut down began. While in a concert along with maybe 2,000 other people I was getting texts from friends and family asking me why we were there while the virus was quickly spreading. I was basically in the dark, I knew something was going on, but, I didn’t know to be in panic mode. I even got some comments on my social media from people telling me how irresponsible I was being for being there.

When the final concert was over, we had plans to stay longer in Branson and take in some shows and shopping. The hotel that we always stay in was starting preparations for shutting down. They told us we could stay through our reservation, though. After one day of being the only ones in the hotel, we decided we might want to head on home. With all the panic and shutdowns starting, I became a bit fearful. I had even wondered if we would get home. I had the thought, “What if they close the border of the various states we drive though and we can’t get home?” I couldn’t get home fast enough. I was worried about stopping at rest stops and restaurants all the way home. I’ve always been sort of a germaphobe, so I always am watchful for germs and I am the one who always has disinfectant wipes for everyone.

We finally made it home! I went into lockdown mode. I didn’t go anywhere. I didn’t even go see my mom as fear of if I had something I would spread it to her. I had a container of disinfectant wipes at the back door for when Jim came in. He even changed clothes in the garage for a while. I ordered our groceries, wiped everything down, etc. etc. As I’m sure you did as well. As you know, my choking incident happened a week after we got home.

I’m a news fan. I’ve always had a love for politics and current events. I had the television on with the news most of the day everyday. I listened as I worked around the house. I also listened to a talk radio program each day. This was during the time of the ventilator talk. Every time I heard the word ventilator, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My shortness of breath was scaring me. I was having a hard time swallowing. I even stopped taking my vitamins as they wouldn’t go down. I took very small bites when eating. When I laid down at night, I could feel my heart beating. I became fearful of having a heart attack. This went on for another couple of months.

One evening we went to dinner with some friends. I was asked to describe my choking escapade. As I began talking about it, I got very hot and I was having trouble breathing. Of course the joke of having a hot flash was said. Long story short, the next morning I woke up sick to my stomach. I thought maybe food poisoning or something. This went on for a week. I then went to the doctor. Was told I had a stomach virus. I was also told that I was hyperventilating. I was also given something for anxiety to calm me down. I wasn’t able to take the medication as it made me feel worse. I struggled to do anything. I became more and more fearful. I’ll spare you the details but, I did go to the emergency room one night and had a scope done and my esophagus was stretched to help with swallowing. I also had two ulcer like areas in my stomach.

After two days in the hospital, in my mind, I figured I was back to myself…but once I got home, the fearful thoughts and the constant nausea went on for another 2 1/2 months. I didn’t sleep hardly at all for those 2 1/2 months. I tried another medication and it was worse than the first one. I took it for two days and stopped. I had zero appetite. I lost 31 pounds during this time as well. I forced myself to eat applesauce and bananas and would gag each time I ate. I honestly thought I was going to die. I hurt all over. My stomach hurt constantly. No sleep. Fearful thoughts that wouldn’t stop. I could go on, but, I’ll spare you. And then….

I went to a Natural/ Holistic Doctor in our area. She examines your eyes and can see all that is going on in your body. She said that I looked like I had suffered what someone with PTSD goes through. A lot of emotional stress. She put me on a regimen of natural supplements. My body was depleted. Not to mention, she was the most kind and compassionate lady who convinced me that I was going to be fine and it would just take time. She assured me I wasn’t dying. How thankful I am for her.

During this time, my daughter-in-law was my huge encourager. She coached me through this entire ordeal with words of wisdom, love and truth. How thankful I am for her. My Jim has been amazing. I don’t know where I’d be right now if I didn’t have the support from these three amazing people! Not to mention, friends and family who assured me of their love and support.

As of today, I am almost at the end of this nightmare. The nausea finally left almost a month ago. No anxious surges throughout my body. I’m gaining my strength back (hopefully, not the weight) and still working on positive thinking.

Throughout this ordeal at the encouragement of my amazing DIL, I have been journaling about everything. I have realized that I have suppressed many things over the years of hurts and various things that have happened to me in my 61 years. What a journey this has been.

I have been a Christian since I was 14 and have lived my life for Him since then. I’ve read all the verses about worry, fear and trust. I thought I had those down pat! Evidently, I had some work to do in those areas. I have no idea how someone could go through this without the confidence of a loving Heavenly Father right by their side. I have never felt closer to God than I am now. He has carried me all these years through all the ups and downs. All those times when I just couldn’t understand the cruelty of people or when bad things happen, He was always there walking me through it. Having the peace of God is the most important thing to me. How grateful I am to have the confidence in my Savior!

I have learned so much about anxiety and am still learning. It’s very real and very scary. I had never been so scared in all of my life. I had no idea what was happening and how to stop it. I have also never worked so hard for something in my life while climbing out of the spiral of anxiety. I would never wish this on anyone. (Lot’s of I’s in this post…but, it is what it is)

The reason I am sharing is hopefully to help someone reading this. I know we aren’t given a manual for what to expect with anxiety. It’s like we have to figure it out ourselves. I did lot’s of searching and asking and found out that what I was going through was normal. I also found out that many people don’t have a clue what someone goes through. That is when I was the most frightened. It seems there are so many symptoms of anxiety and not everyone has them all. Everyone is different. So it’s encouraging when you read about someone that has the same symptoms as you do. You then, get a little relief in thinking, “Okay, maybe I’m not dying or going as crazy as I think I am.”

I will share more that I have learned on different posts only if I think it will encourage someone that is going through it or knows someone who is suffering from anxiety attacks. You have no idea how comforting words, affirmation, prayer and support helps someone as they are going through this.

So there, you go. I’m trying to keep it short to not overwhelm. I do have a few things to share as to possibly prevent something like this happening to you or someone you love and ways to support those going through it. Let’s just say, my eyes have been opened greatly!

Until next time…..